Отработав поэмку и посетив репетитора, спешу поделиться своими результатами. 
Можно смело сказать, что мой маленький эксперемент с двойной проверкой сочинения успешно состоялся, но вот резльтаты меня не порадовали, а даже смутили. Так что жду дельного совета от тех кто с английским в более тесных отношениях. 
Придя домой и сравнив, то какие ошибки исправил репетитор и какие нашлись здесь, мне показалось, что мой педагог выделил не все ошибки. (хотя, может и так тоже верно). Вот что получилось на занятии с педагогом:

Job of my dream
In different periods of my life I had dreams about different types of profession.
When I was 5-6 years old, I wanted to be a cosmonaut. Why? I got this idea when I (have seen photography) saw a picture with Yuri Gagarin in a newspaper. After that, my grandmother (has) told me about dogs-cosmonauts "Belka" and "Strelka" and their flight to (the) space. I fantasized, how I will see the Earth from a porthole window. But this dream didn't come true.
When I started my study (in an)  at elementary school a lot of new things came into my life and of course a new dream "who(m) I want to be". From 7 years old I (have) learned to play the violin and imagined (what) that I('m) will be famous like Vanessa Mae. But this dream didn't come true, too. It's really difficult to play the violin. You have to be patient and diligent. I wanted to play with my friends outside, when I was 7, and I didn't want stay at home and to learn a piece of music.
A little bit later, when I was about 10 years old, the TV show (SMAK) inspired me to be a cook! And ( I don't know why) move to Paris and to have 8 children. But, when my mother gave me the responsibility to peel potatoes, I understood, that (the)  a cook — it's not a good idea.
The older the better I (understand) understood, that "no pains, no gains". Now I have a diploma of Management and I'm studying for a manager of public relations.
My new job of dream is a Manager of PR in a big and famous company, like BMW or Audi. Or in some company (who) which takes care(s) about wild nature.
I know, I should work hard and be kind and then my dream will come true.
P.S. However somewhere in my soul I still want to be a cosmonaut.
Красным отметила, то что убрали из тектста, а зеленым то что добавили. 
А так же перезаписала, поэмку. 
Жду оценок!